Trusting in the Lord, Our Father

"God is love; He is not a simple spectator in our life. He provides and cares for us as our Father, but He also respects our freedom. He does not pressure us. We should have our hope in God's providence and, since we believe that God is watching over us, we should take courage and throw ourselves into His love and then we will see Him constantly beside us. We will not be afraid that we will make a false step." 

--St. Porphyrios (1906-1993)

When You Realize That God Is With You in Trials

When my husband and I have stayed in the hospital or undergone medical procedures, kind nurses and doctors make an otherwise frightening experience a little bit like something you want to do, somewhere you want to be. Reflecting on this made me think: how much more so could being aware of the presence of the kindness of God make every scary trial a tolerable place to be? Maybe even somewhere you a-little-bit want to be in order to meet Him there?

A Quote from St. Aquilina of Byblos

During her martyrdom in the year 293, the twelve-year-old St. Aquilina of Byblos told her torturers, “The Lord is here with me invisibly, and the more I suffer, the more strength and endurance will He give me.”

Review of "Of Such Is the Kingdom: A Practical Theology of Disability"

I received a review copy of the audiobook for Of Such Is the Kingdom: A Practical Theology of Disability by Summer Kinard.

What I enjoyed most in this book was the early sections discussing how the Orthodox Church understands disability and the fact that God allows disabilities for the purpose of cultivating virtue. I found this part really encouraging to listen to. I felt like it even applied to my experience of infertility, which of course is the inability to do something that others can do and that a healthy body can do.

I had some concerns about the author's suggestions for accessible Church School curricula. I talked with my husband about it, because he has a type of muscular dystrophy that affects all his motor neurons and causes all his voluntary muscles to be weaker. Kinard's suggestions heavily emphasize hands-on activities for all students in order to accommodate students with brain-based disabilities. This is something that would actually exclude my husband. He said that, if he were a kid, he would try to avoid going to class because he would think, "Ugh, I get really tired from doing the physical activities they do in class!" and it would feel like another place where he doesn't really belong and can't do what other people are doing.

The book seems primarily geared toward families dealing with autism or other similar conditions. Kinard makes an effort to mention suggestions related to other disabilities, and she has some "spotlight" sections on particular issues, such as blindness. However, much of the book feels specifically applicable to those who have autism themselves or in their family or among their church community members. From the way the book was advertised, I expected it to be more generally applicable to people with all kinds of disabilities.

Overall, I enjoyed this book the most in the earlier sections, and as it went on, I felt less and less engaged. In the beginning I expected to be giving it a 5-star review, but by the end it had fallen to a 3-star review for me.

Every Gift Bestowed By God Is Good

“The general gifts consist of the four elements and all that results from them, all the wonderful and awesome works of God outlined in Holy Scripture. The particular gifts are those gifts which God bestows upon every man individually, whether it be riches for the sake of charity, or poverty for the sake of patience with humility; whether it be authority for the sake of justice and the strengthening of virtues, or subjugation and slavery for the sake of the expeditious salvation of the soul; be it health for the sake of helping the infirm, or illness for the sake of the wreath of patience; be it understanding and skill in gaining wealth for the sake of virtue, or weakness and lack of skill for the sake of submissive humility. Even though they appear contrary to one another, all these are very good according to their purpose.” 

– St. Peter Damascene

"You're Dwelling on Your Mistakes Again"

 "Sticky's mind returned to the nightmare he'd awakened from this morning. All those scorpions on the floor. Contrary to what others might expect, he didn't imagine they represented Ten Men.

"'You're dwelling on your mistakes again,' his mother had said to him not long ago, and not for the first time. 'It's good to acknowledge them, but I do wish you'd not forget everything you get right.'

"They'd been having breakfast in their home across the street. Sticky had just awakened from a similar dream.

"Sticky's father had nodded his agreement, which for such a profoundly quiet man was a significant contribution to the discussion. 

"'I know,' Sticky had said, taking up a glass of grape juice, then setting it down again. 'You're right, Mom. I know that. I just get so frustrated! I never see Reynie make the mistakes I do.'

"His mother regarded him with hooded eyes. 'Can Reynie do all the things you can do?'

"Sticky sighed and rubbed his scalp. 'No, I know. I just don't like making mistakes.'

"'Reynie makes his own share of mistakes, love,' said Sticky's mom. 'You just don't dwell on those. Do you know who probably does?

"Sticky pursed his lips. 'No idea. Constance?'

"They all chuckled at this.

"'Well, she probably does, too,' Sticky's mom admitted. 'And on everyone else's. But there's a reason, you know, that your father and I are comfortable with you making your own decisions. You're doing a wonderful job leading your life. We only hope you'll come to us for love and support--and maybe, sometimes, even advice. Who knows?'

"'I'll always come to you for all of those things,' Sticky had said, rounding the table to hug his parents. 'Advice included.'

"Now, in the Blab, Sticky took a deep breath and let it out. He tapped a pencil on the clipboard. Yes, he'd forgotten the chemicals on the rooftop patio, and it hadn't occurred to him to get a copy of Mr. Curtain's letter, and he hadn't thought to ask Tai about his reading abilities before scanning the letter. That was okay. He couldn't think of everything. He was who he was, and that was enough. He knew that. He believed it. And now it was time to rejoin his friends."

--Trenton Lee Stewart, The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Riddle of Ages, pp. 186-187

Becoming More People

 "'Time is a riddle, is it not?' the farmer mused, returning from the refrigerator with a jar of homemade raspberry jam. 'The last time I saw Nicholas, that ancient dog of ours was a puppy. And you know what? I remember that the two of us felt old then! So, what does that make us now?' He laughed and shook his head. 'And yet at the same time we both agreed that part of us still felt like the boys we once were--like we hadn't changed a bit.

"'And do you know what Nicholas said? I remember it plainly. He said that he doesn't believe we become different people as we age. No, he says he believes that we become more people. We're still the kids we were, but we're also the people who've lived all the different ages since that time. A whole bunch of different people rolled up into one--that's how Nicholas sees it. And I can't say that I disagree. How else to explain that sometimes I want to run and jump the way I used to--but can't anymore--yet at the same time enjoy sitting with a cup of coffee and a newspaper in a way you couldn't have paid me to do as a boy? Well, it's a wonder.'"

--Trenton Lee Stewart, The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Riddle of Ages, p.238

What Stays the Same

 "They drove past a number of small towns, as well as a few large towns that used to be small. In between the towns was endless farm country, field after field of young crops that would grow and grow, eventually be harvested, and finally be replaced with different crops the following season.

"Reynie, without meaning to, kept thinking the same things. A town is still a town even if it's a bigger town. A field is still a field even if the crop is different. Friends are still friends even if their circumstances change. All those things seemed true, yet at the same time all seemed mysterious. No matter how much you know, he thought, there's always more that you don't."

 --Trenton Lee Stewart, The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Riddle of Ages, pp. 233-234

The Power of Missing Our Friends

"'Nothing is more unsettling than losing those we've loved. Yet I would propose for your consideration, Reynie, that there is something powerful, even important, in missing them. Missing our loved ones is in itself a connection with them, is it not? Painful, perhaps, but special. [...] When the time comes for you to go away, Reynie, [...] whether that be soon or far down the road, and whether it be for a temporary sojourn elsewhere or a more permanent relocation... [...] When that time comes, my friend, I shall miss you dearly. Just as I miss Rhonda; just as I shall miss all the others whose cherished faces I'm so accustomed to seeing around this table, yet who may find it best, at some point, to leave the table for good. [...] But special people tend to go and do special things, [...] and one must accept it as best one can. Whenever I miss old friends, I remind myself that this very act makes them a part of my life. We may be separated by time and distance, and very often by the lack of hours to write each other proper letters, but we remain friends, and I remain grateful. Violet, for instance, I haven't seen in years, but I think of her every day, and I take pleasure in knowing she's in the world."

--Trenton Lee Stewart, The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Riddle of Ages, pp. 206-208

Sam's Determination

"[E]ven as hope died in Sam, or seemed to die, it was turned to a new strength. Sam's plain hobbit-face grew stern, almost grim, as the will hardened in him, and he felt through all his limbs a thrill, as if he was turning into some creature of stone and steel that neither despair nor weariness nor endless barren miles could subdue."

--J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, "Mount Doom"

"Not an Elder or an Angel, But the Lord Himself"

"I remembered the Lord's mercy, the praises of the Lord in all things in which the Lord recompenses us. The Lord is a good judge to the house of Israel, and He deals with us according to His mercy, and according to the multitude of His righteousness. He said, 'Surely My people, My children, have not rejected Me?' So He became their salvation. Not an elder or an angel, but the Lord Himself saved them from all their tribulation, because He loved them and spared them" (Isaiah 63:7-9).

The Unreliability of Thoughts

"[Constance had] simply learned an important lesson: She needed to judge her friends and family by their actions, not by their thoughts, for thoughts are fleeting and temperamental, the reflection of a moment, and are very often confused and misleading. Thoughts formed into spoken words are a different matter, and actual deeds another matter still."

--Trenton Lee Stewart, The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Riddle of Ages, pg. 100

"To Forgive Their Tormentors"

"'To be happy at home,' said Samuel Johnson, 'is the end of all human endeavor,' but even [Tsar] Nicholas's domestic happiness was mocked in the sophisticated social circles of the capital. And yet the strength of the family's love and faith shines in every account of their steady good humor during the months when they were confined in close quarters, facing day after monotonous day, each one with twenty-four hours to be got through.

"Even the Tsar's piety and that of his family were derided, though it was deep and genuine and the source of all their other virtues. Nicholas may have placed too much confidence in the power of good to triumph in the world and been too slow to see evil even in his enemies, but as he often explained, he was so little troubled because he placed himself and his people in God's hands and trusted that his efforts would be blessed and his nation would prosper. What a test, then, when in spite of all his prayers and his trust in God's mercy, the forces of evil were winning, spoiling the costly victories of the war and ravaging his country, and he and his dearest ones were prisoners. Even in the face of such contradiction the family's faith never wavered, and as we have seen, they were able to forgive their tormentors."

 --Christine Benagh, An Englishman in the Court of the Tsar, pg. 286

The Romanovs' "Fountain of Strength"

My husband and I have been reading another book related to the Romanov royal martyrs: An Englishman in the Court of the Tsar: The Spiritual Journey of Charles Sydney Gibbes. Gibbes was the English tutor to the royal children and went under house arrest with them. Having lost his faith in the Anglican Church as a college student, he spent much of his life seeking spiritual fulfillment. Finally, fourteen years after the Romanovs were killed, he realized that in living with them he had witnessed the truth Faith that he longed for, and he decided to become an Orthodox Christian:

"[N]othing in all [Gibbes's] experience was as exalted and significant as the witness of humble faith, devotion, and courage provided by the Imperial Family he had loved and served. Quite suddenly, he saw the truth manifested in their lives: their reliance on a fountain of strength that kept them radiant even as they were buffeted, humiliated, maligned, and their bodies destroyed by the powerful enemies arrayed against them--enemies they forgave."

--Christine Benagh, An Englishman in the Court of the Tsar, pg. 251

The Strength of Hope

"The faith of the entire [Romanov] family enabled them to hope that good could come out of even this cruel and threatening situation and to conduct themselves with dignity and grace in the face of deliberate insult and deprivation."

--Christine Benagh, An Englishman in the Court of the Tsar, pg. 139

The Kindness of Strangers

"[Nicholas] had been happy before, at least briefly so, on several occasions, and what he was feeling now was rather like that, only deeper and stranger. It was happiness amplified by hope--not just for himself, but for people in general--and anchored by something else, something he had yet to put his finger on. 

"[...] There were adults in the world who would actually make sacrifices for the sake of others--not just for their own families but for anyone who needed help. Nicholas had always had the impression that families looked after one another, and he had come to understand that, on rare occasions, children would do the same. [...] But this was different. What Mr. Harinton was doing certainly helped Nicholas--but it also simply felt right to Nicholas. It made him want to be exactly like Mr. Harinton himself.

"No sooner had he thought this than he realized what was anchoring his happiness. It was purpose. He knew what he wanted to do. He knew the way he thought things should be, and Mr. Harinton was proving that other people--even adults--could feel the same way. Nicholas had something to aim for now. He might not know what he wanted to be when he grew up, but he knew with absolute certainty how he wanted to be."

--Trenton Lee Stewart, The Extraordinary Education of Nicholas Benedict, pp. 399-400

"It Is Not Evil That Conquers Evil, But Only Love"

"A few months [before their murder], when the [Romanov] family was still [under house arrest] in Tobolsk, Olga wrote the following letter on behalf of Nicholas, which essentially constitutes his last will and testament:

"'Father asks to have it passed on to all who have remained loyal to him and to those on whom they might have influence, that they not avenge him; he has forgiven and prays for everyone; and not to avenge themselves, but to remember that the evil which is now in the world will become yet more powerful, and that it is not evil that conquers evil, but only love'" (The Romanov Royal Martyrs, pg. 371).

"If You Find That Serpents Are All You See, You May Not Be Looking Hard Enough"

The passage below comes from Book 2 of my favorite series by a living author, The Mysterious Benedict Society by Trenton Lee Stewart. It describes one of the core messages of this phenomenal book.

"'You mean to say,' said Mr. Benedict after reflecting a moment, 'that you're disturbed by the wickedness of which so many people seem capable. [...] It's natural that you feel as you do, Reynie. There is much more to the world than most children--most adults--ever see or know. And where most people see mirrors, you, my friend, see windows. By which I mean there is always something beyond the glass. You have seen it and will always see it now, though others may not. I would have spared you that vision at such a young age. But it's been given you, and it will be up to you to decide whether it's a blessing or a curse.'

"'Excuse me, Mr. Benedict, but how can it possibly be a blessing to know that people are untrustworthy?'

"Mr. Benedict looked at Reynie askance. 'Rather than answer that, allow me to call attention to the assumption that you're making--the assumption that most people are untrustworthy. Have you considered the possibility, Reynie, that wickedness is simply more noticeable than goodness? That wickedness stands out, as it were? [...] Have you ever had a dream in which, having spied a deadly snake at your feet, you suddenly begin to see snakes everywhere--suddenly realize, in fact, that you're surrounded by them? [...] It strikes me as being rather like when a person first realizes the extent of wickedness in the world. That vision can become all-consuming--and in a way, it, too, is a nightmare, by which I mean that it is not quite a proper assessment of the state of things. ...If you find that serpents are all you see, you may not be looking hard enough'" (The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Perilous Journey, pp.36-38).

"God Does Not Abandon Us"

As my husband and I continue to work our way through reading The Romanov Royal Martyrs: What Silence Could Not Conceal, I have more to share with you from it. We have now read up to the events of Spring 1918, the last spring of the family's earthly life. For several weeks they were divided into two groups, under house arrest in two different locations: Tsar Nicholas, Tsarina Alexandra, and their third daughter, Grand Duchess Maria, had been transferred to Ekaterinburg, a hotbed of revolutionary fervor. The remaining three daughters, Grand Duchesses Olga, Tatiana, and Anastasia, had stayed behind in Tobolsk with their brother, Alexis, who was recovering from an intense episode of hemophilia and was unable to travel.

In the midst of this trying period, the two groups were allowed very little communication with each other, and the circumstances of their confinements were becoming more and more dangerous and uncertain. The book describes it thus: "As time passed, the severe monotony, the absolute confinement, and the unpleasant surprises began to take their toll. These difficult hours required great spiritual reserves to keep mental equilibrium, and the family in Ekaterinburg revealed their hidden treasure: their great faith in God. In her letter to Alexis, Maria wrote, 'It is difficult to write anything pleasant, because there is very little of it here to report, but on the other hand, God does not abandon us, the sun shines and the birds sing. This morning we heard the church bells'" (The Romanov Royal Martyrs, pg. 322).

"Evidently He Thinks We Are Sufficiently Prepared for It"

In 1917, after her husband was forced to abdicate and her family was placed under house arrest, Tsarina Alexandra wrote to her friend: 

"It is necessary to look more calmly on everything. What is to be done? Once He sent us such trials, evidently He thinks we are sufficiently prepared for it. It is a sort of examination--it is necessary to prove that we did not go through it in vain. One can find in everything something good and useful--whatever sufferings we go through--let it be. He will give us force and patience and will not leave us. He is merciful. It is only necessary to bow to His wish without murmur and await--there on the other side He is preparing to all who love Him indescribable joy.... 

"I believe strongly the bad will pass and there will be clear and cloudless sky. But the thunderstorm has not passed yet and therefore it is stifling--but I know it will be better afterwards. One must have only a little patience--and is it really so difficult? For every day that passes quietly I thank God" (The Romanov Royal Martyrs, pg. 279).